EDITION 02 ·
What If It Isn’t About You?
A World Menopause Day note on chronic pain and the people who love us.
By Russell Betts
There is a particular kind of hurt that comes from reaching toward someone you love and feeling them pull away.
Maybe you suggest an evening out, and they say they’re too tired. Maybe you reach for their hand, and they gently move it. Maybe you ask what’s wrong, and they say, “Nothing. I’m just exhausted.”
You hear the words. But somewhere inside, another conversation begins.
They don’t want to be with me. Something has changed between us. Maybe we’re not as close as we used to be.
I want to offer you another possibility today.
What if the change you’re noticing is real, but the meaning you’re giving it isn’t the whole story?
Today is World Menopause Day, and this year’s focus is chronic pain at midlife.
Pain doesn’t always announce itself. Sometimes it becomes a quiet part of daily life. A stiff back. Aching joints. Interrupted sleep. The constant effort of deciding what the body can manage today.
And when someone is carrying that experience, there may be less energy left for the familiar routines of a relationship.
That doesn’t make the resulting distance imaginary. It simply means the distance may have a different explanation than the one we’ve been telling ourselves.
Something to Try
Notice. What actually happened? Stay with the observation before deciding what it means.
Ask. “Is there something making this harder for you right now?”
Listen. Allow the answer to be different from what you expected. Don’t immediately turn it into a conversation about your own disappointment.
Adjust. Ask what would help. Perhaps the plan changes. Perhaps you offer practical support. Perhaps the conversation waits until another time.
And sometimes the answer will have nothing to do with pain. That’s important too. The purpose isn’t to replace one assumption with another. It’s to make room for understanding.
If persistent pain is part of your partner’s experience, encourage appropriate medical care and respect what they tell you about their own body.
You don’t have to solve everything. You don’t have to understand every sensation they experience. But you can stop making every change in their behavior a verdict on the relationship.
One Question
What am I making this moment mean about me that may actually be about something my partner is experiencing?
It’s a small question. But sometimes it opens the space for a very different conversation.
When Pain Changes the Relationship: Understanding Chronic Pain at Midlife
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The Change Companion is educational, not medical advice. For questions about your own health, work with a qualified practitioner.